last night i thought about something i.. genuinely thought i forgot.

when i was a kid, i had. NO friends. nobody really liked me. except ONE person.

i can't remember her name for the life of me

but

she was the one person who liked me

i used to sneak out when i was meant to be asleep just to hang out with her.

we'd kind of just. talk.

it was nice.

she was the one who helped me made me realise i..

i didn't know it was wrong at the time.

and she. MADE me think it was ok.

made me feel safe thinking it was ok

but it's NOT ok.

i know that now.

but i didn't back then.

i tried to tell my parents how i felt. back then.

and then

they made me helped me understand that it was wrong.

i was just confused.

for a while i still didn't get it.

i kept sneaking out to hang out with her.

telling her what happened.

listening to her tell me it was ok.

listening to her call me that name.

i hate that it felt right to hear that

the thing that finally drove me away was when she wanted me to run away with her.

she said it would be good for us.

it would get her away from her shit life

it would get me away from my parents... i'm not sure what she thought it would get me away from. i was FINE.

i wish i just left

after i left our usual spot i just went home.

i didn't go meet her again like she wanted me to.

i couldn't just leave like that.

so i stayed.

and i learned.

i was just confused.

i'm still confused